- You okay? You seem a little off.
- Yeah, I'm just trying to think about what I want.
- Yeah, me too. Why don't we just say it at the same time? One, two, three...I want a divorce.
- I think I'm having a midlife crisis, maybe.
- Can women have midlife crises? In the movies it's always men having them and buying ridiculous yellow Porsches...
Last week, when I told you that I had to work late...I went to see the new Twilight movie by myself. I don't know why I did that. And it was so bad, Cal. And we haven't been us. Not for a long time. And I don't know when you and I stopped being us.
You know a word that is not used very often anymore? "Cuckold." I'm a cuckold. David Lindhagen cuckolded me. He slept with my wife. And I didn't know about it. And that is the definition of cuckoldom. Thought I did everything right. Got married, had kids, the house. What do I get for it? I get cuckolded.
Cal, would you take that straw out of your mouth? Please. It's just for the conversation. You know. That looks like you're sucking on a tiny schwantz.
You're going around and you're badgering people with this sad-sack loser sob story. You're sitting there with a Supercuts haircut...getting drunk on watered-down vodka cranberries like a 14-year-old girl...and you're wearing a 44 when you should be wearing a 42 regular. Honestly, I don't know if I should help you or euthanize you. Cal, you got a kind face. You got a good head of hair. You seem like a nice guy. I wanna help you. I'm gonna help you rediscover your manhood. We're gonna find it.
And it's important to try new things. Even things that you haven't considered trying before.
Are you Steve Jobs? Are you the billionaire owner of Apple Computers? you got no right to wear New Balance sneakers ever.
Cal, be better than the Gap.Be better than the Gap.
I met my soul mate when I was 15 years old...and I have loved her every minute of every day...since I first bought her that mint chocolate chip cone. I have loved her through the birth of my three perfect children. I have loved her even when I've hated her. Only married couples will understand that one.
It's been a really hard year. Yeah, there were a couple little blips, I guess. Really what I want to say...is that I'm still glad you bought me that ice cream.
Nobody wants to be alone
The heart beats happy when it has a place
And if it doesn't have a home
It can come into my space
So you can be the one I love
I can be the one you long for
You can be the one I want